Alpine wild boar play at chicken

If you are ever reincarnated as a wild boar, draw the short straw and end up in France, then you might find yourself with a stiff neck from constantly looking over your shoulder.

Your average life expectancy of 27 years could be seriously curtailed by a number of Gallic-born malicious factors. Suffice to say, as one of nature's loner's, you'll soon find yourself in need of a few friends. Problem is, you might just find them hard to come by.

Before you've even destroyed your first vedgetable patch and earnt yourself a no-nonsense enemy in the process, you should already be on the lookout for 1.4 million armed Frenchmen, patrolling your favourite habitat and dreaming of a hearty feast (the best bits of you) or a smashing trophy for the mother-in-law's front room (your head - sorry). One consolation - the law gives you the summer off being shot at, so feel free to paint humourous targets on your back during this period to taunt the local chasseurs.

As if all that wasn't bad enough, you've not exactly got your trotter on the health and safety pulse. Take for example, one of your new brothers, who, according to today's Dauphiné Libéré, calmly crossed the A41 motorway near Annecy - miraculously escaping a certain death and gladly not causing any injury to passing motorists, in what was quite possibly a thwarted suicide attempt.

So, if you want my advice, if you do come back as a French wild boar, go to an internet café, log on to the Office National de la Chasse et de la Faune Sauvage website, check out the precise date of the start of the hunting season (sometime in mid-September) and buy yourself a cunning disguise of any animal that might feature on the 'un-chasse-able due to low numbers' list.

And finally, on a more serious note, driving at full pelt into a 30 stone (and the rest) animal with no capacity to pull off a swift evasive manoevre can of course be extremely dangerous.

High oil prices could mean bumpy ride for skiers

With piste bashers in large French resorts consuming up to 10,000 litres of fuel every day, Resort Managers are thinking the unthinkable - unbashed pistes save money.

But for many, the focus seems to be on bashing better, not less. A number of ideas are on the table, from using bio-fuels like in Aspen, Colorado, to installing GPS in the machines - thereby allowing the driver to keep track of his tracks.

French phrase of the day - "le pétrole fait flamber le coût des dameuses" - "oil is hugely increasing the running costs of piste bashers"

Haute Savoie Cat Burglars strike again

Cat owners beware. So far this year, over 700 cats have been reported missing (presumed stolen) from Haute Savoie, with Morzine, Cluses and Thonon-les-Bains bearing the brunt of the thefts.

As for the subsequent fate of our feline friends, local fingers point to the Swiss Tannery trade, and the sale of leather accessories to the wealthy. The prolific nature of this busines is seemingly due to the fact that each cat is worth just 23 euros each to the Swiss Tanners, who legally skin 10,000 cats per year according to Le Point magazine.

Alpine property market heads for soft landing

A report recently published by the economics wing of HSBC France points to a 3% drop in French property prices in 2008, following a stable end to this year.

Blaming interest rate rises for denting the gallic 'pouvoir d'achat', the report predicts that the market will escape a nose-dive thanks to government initiatives - such as 0% loans for the less well-off. While next year's lull could be a good time for investors looking to snap up a bargain, those wanting to sit out the slowdown are advised to add value to their property by taking advantage of tax credit incentives - particularly for 'eco-friendly' renovations.

Air France forced to pay up in 'excess baggage' affair

Air France have been found guilty of prejudice against an overweight passenger, who was forced to buy two adjacent seats on a New Delhi-Paris flight in August 2005.

43 year old Jean-Jaques Jauffret, a 26 stone Parisian scriptwriter, has been awarded 8,000 euros, plus a further 5,500 euros for the refund of the tickets and to cover his legal expenses. Speaking to France 2, Mr Jauffret explained that he pays already from being obese from the looks of others and the difficulty of finding clothes that fit, never mind the humiliation of having his midriff measured with luggage tape by an Air France representative.

With the number of obese French people estimated at 10% of the population, Air France is under pressure to provide suitable seating on aircraft for its corpulent clients.

French phrase of the day - "Vous auriez dû acheter un extra seat quand on est gros comme vous" - or "You should have bought an extra seat as you are that fat" - charmant!

French plan to 'americanise' Chamonix

Gone are the days of a surly lift attendant, choking on a Gitane, grunting incomprehensibly at unsuspecting tourists. Or that's what the Compagnie du Mont-Blanc would have us believe.

Following Sarkozy's rapprochement with the States, and having seen the success of a similar initiative in Megève, the lift operators of Chamonix are busy recruiting a team of ambassadeurs, hired to charm the ski-pants off visitors to the resort this season.

"Taking into account the complexity of the resort, this was a request submitted to us in customer satisfaction surveys," explained CMB representative Raymond Ducroz to Le Dauphiné.

As well as a warm welcome, these volunteers (who are in it for little more than a season lift pass and some fashionable clobber) will be on hand at lift stations to offer useful tips to the unitiated, like never to ski in Argentière on a hangover.

French phrase of the day - "Eh ben, j'en sais rien, moi" - what they used to say, i.e "I'm terribly sorry but I'm unable to assist you at this present moment in time"

Chambery acts to pacify pigeon assassins

A city under fire
With the rest of the country worrying about national strikes and economic penury, the people of Chambéry, the capital of Savoie, have weightier things on their minds - a proliferation of pigeons.

The visual destruction on the city's architecture from their feathered friends is so apparent that some residents have decided to take matters into their own hands - by taking pot shots at them. Worried by such developments, the city organised a pigeon census on October 26 2007, with 25 official 'pigeon counters' despatched onto the streets to assess the enemy numbers.

The bureaucrats were shocked by the results - only 1000 pigeons, before la service d'hygiène et de santé added another 1000 for good mesure, taking into account those pigeons who were either in flight or in hiding when suspicious looking types in trenchcoats and armed with clipboards took to the streets. The city are left perplexed by the disappearance of over a 1000 pigeons (since the last census), according to le dauphiné libéré.

After the white out comes the black out

Chances are, if you try and board a French train from 8pm Tuesday this week, they'll either be no one driving it or a crowd of boisterous, politically-active students sat on the tracks in front of it. And even if you try to cheer yourself up with a trip to the Opera in Paris, you'll probably find that the entire cast have swapped the stage for the picket line. Welcome to the winter of pas très content.

Time to find out if Sarkozy is ready to stand up for his reforms of the gilded pension schemes, or regimes spéciaux de retraite, which originally (back in 1673) were introduced to provide incentives to work for those who were hesitating about taking a job that would entail almost certain death. So you can kind of see the government's point about a little modernisation. But 334 years isn't a very long time in French politics. And the railwaymen argue that although choking fumes are a thing of the past, the new enemy no. 1 is stress, so retiring at 50 should remain a God-given right.

With former socialist PM Michel Rocard claiming that France is 'unreformable', Sarkozy will be hoping that after a glorious autumn of divorce, soaring fuel prices, and strikes, he isn't about to suffer the same fate as the last guy (arch-rival Dominique de Villepin) who tried to mess with the French. 'Allez-hop,' they cried, 'off with 'is 'ed!'

French phrase of the day: avoir ras-le-bol - to be completely fed-up.

The CAC40 sneezes and the Alps catch a cold

There were clouds gathering at the end of last week over the Mont Blanc - and not all of them were welcome. For while the white fluffy stuff was being admired and invited in for an apéritif, tourism chiefs were busy hammering twisted wood across their doors as ominous news tumbled out of the CAC40.

The French stock market saw its 2007 gains wiped out Friday as experts issued forth with doom and gloom predictions following the banking crises of the last few months, sending pre-season jitters through the mountain valleys like the chill of la bise. It remains to be seen whether this is a lot of cold air about nothing.

Early snow to hit the alps

Météo France reports Monday that snow will start falling across the Alps from as early as Tuesday this week with moderate falls expected at the weekend. With many resorts not due to open for another 6 weeks, premature and over-keen skiers may have to wax their skis and strap them to their backs for the time-being.

After two seasons (winter and summer), which could best be described as médiocre, resort managers are praying to the skies for a repeat of the winter of 1990-91, which saw lifts open by mid-November and runs regularly topped up until April.

Warming up for winter - the French pick this season's hit and miss resorts

Ever mindful of the old adage that 'one man's trash is another man's treasure', the October version of 'Alpes Magazine' hopes to add some clarity to the hotly contested battle to attract the only thing sweeter than a preemptive dump of the white stuff - you've guessed it, bookings.

Essentially a gaggle of journalists, with a couple of researchers in tow from the University of Chambery head off across the alps with a stack of criteria in their hip pocket, meet with Resort Directors, fill in a few forms, ask a few awkward questions, sink a couple of shots of Chartreuse on expenses, go back to the office, slap it all on a spreadsheet and Bob est le frère de votre mère.
But the at-a-glance comparison makes for a riveting read. Resorts are separated into three sections - 'Grand Ski', 'Extreme glisse' (thrill-seekers and lunatics) and 'Stations-Villages' (top spots for spa, raquettes, and farm visits (?) )

In order to truly benefit from this inside knowledge, you have to, well, part with the six euros for the magazine. Well, those expenses have to be paid somehow....

For 'Grand Ski', few surprises at first from the runners up, the Val d'Isere's, Courchevel's and Meribel's can all naturally pack a punch, if you got a stack of dosh you're willing to part company with. Predictable enough, until you reach Vars (5th place), which steals the thunder of the big boys with its high altitude, 180km of pistes for all levels, and a day pass price which weighs in at 16 euros lighter than La Plagne's. But then it's back to plain sailing for the Three Vallees and the Tarantaise with in first place...........l'Alpe d'Huez. For the sneaky bargain hunter who still fancies Paradiski, the editor's pick is the attractive and convivial Champagny-en-Vanoise, linked to the region but not as pricey.

As far as adrenalin-junkies go, the surprise entires in the top ten include Vars (again) and Orcieres 1850, with the latter offering a day pass for 25 euros not forgetting the night skiing, snow parks, kite-skiing, and of course, diving under frozen lakes. When it comes to the top three though - Chamonix gets the bronze, Tignes the silver and the gold goes to......l'Alpe d'Huez.

After all that toil, it was high time for the gang to soak in the newly refurbished steam baths of Serre Chevalier, for some much needed detox, before deliberating on the most charming, healthy and cultural spot in the alps. By now a little weary, they decide to look no further than Serr-Che, and why the heck not. To ski or not to ski, it has the lot. But for much of the same - spa, raquettes but alas, no farm visits, why not give Oz-en-Oisans a try? And with a name like that, their may be some mileage in Wicked Witch of the North impressions, especially if the low altitude and global warming takes hold..........'ahh, I'm melting, I'm meltiiiing'!