French die-hard smokers defy anti-smoking laws

serge gainsbourg
Originally uploaded by Genjoe

No doubt Serge Gainsbourg would have been one of the first to park himself on the pavement for a smoke and a Pastis, had he survived the excesses of life's legal vices long enough to witness France's anti-smoking legislation. His fatal heart attack in March 1991 came around the time that the French first started acknowledging the existence of the seedy taboo underworld of the non-fumeur. As a gesture of openness towards this fringe of society, they were offered a small table by the toilets in café's throughout this smoke-loving nation.

And so it seems from last reports, it takes more than Parisian bureaucrats to put a Frenchman off his clope. The OFT (Office of French Tobacco), or something like that, have discovered that since the ban on smoking in public places at the end of 2007, there has been absolutely no reduction in the number of French smokers. So the law has only so far benefited the non-smokers (70% of the population - so they must have improved since the old days I guess) - no bad thing of course.

As I write this, there isn't much room on the pavements of Haute Savoie for smoking activities, unless you fancy standing in three foot of snow. ....

Avalanche risks remind skiers that all that glisters is not gold

Expérience d'une Avalanche par Xavier Delerue
Video sent by RECmag

Filmer : Myriam Lang-Willar, Guido Perrini, Olivier Rebattet
Photo : Christoffer Sjöström
Music : Jean-Pascal Novel
Editing : Xavier Cordente

As the snow keeps on falling, the temptation to head for powder is rising by the day, a thrill that is deep-rooted within the soul of anyone who adores carving through the white stuff. But that glorious feeling as you finally manage to put in a few turns in deep snow masks the ever-present dangers of heading off-piste, as you assure yourself that, of course, 'it'll never happen to me'. The difference between those who make the sad headlines every year (it's already started in the local press) and the young plucky chap in the video is that he was most likely thinking 'it's probably going to happen to me' - hence the skill, security, support, equipment, and preparation that helped him to survive - just. Not to mention plain old good fortune.

I'm not sure of the point of this post - certainly not to moralize the foolhardy, or to claim in any sense that those who toss ice-cubes down the vest of fear will read it and suddenly say to themselves 'Dangerous, you say? I hadn't thought of that. Best stay at home and make a nice cuppa tea'. Most live to tell the tale, and tell the tale they do, but we all need to at least go prepared...

They've never had it so good...well, not for a while anyway

This was the heart-warming scene this very morning at nearby Combloux, where a smattering of affluent locals mixed with, well, us. The deserted pistes and empty hotel terraces were the only significant reminder that we are still in November and the ski-season is not even out of the starting blocks. Oh, and the stationary ski lifts - although there are resorts opening up this weekend in the vicinity.

A week has passed since the dump of last weekend, and the snow has even stuck to the valley floor, which hasn't happened since I first set foot in this area back in 2003. Cynics would say that there's still enough time for the green field and cows to make one last appearance, but from today's evidence and the wintry forecast, I would say that booking an early ski holiday would beat the recession and the crowds.

Long live the early snow!

To say something or not to say something.....

Blessed though we are to have things like jobs, food on the table, and picturesque mountains to gorp at, there's no escaping the heavy heart syndrome on a day like today. Sat on the number one bus in Geneva, snaking through the early morning traffic, it seemed almost criminal to be away from the deep untouched powder that tantalisingly surrounds the city. Snow they predicted, and snow it did. At least the lifts are not yet working, that brings some relief......

So then I spotted that a smartly-dressed lady was standing in the middle of the bus with a prominent 'Réservé' sticker on the back of her coat. Put there by a jealous and possessive husband? Put there by herself to put off anyone who fancied their chances? Or just an embarrassing accident? The latter, I presumed - as she would have needed the extra 'e' on 'réservéé' for it to apply to her, unless of course she wasn't a she, maybe a cunningly deceptive 'she-he'. Perhaps. But then, perhaps not.

I was going to say 'Excuse me but you appear to have a reserved sticker attached to your coat', but partly due to my frustrated ski-bum misery, a lack of confidence to be able to carry off that kind of remark in French, and also because I didn't want to scupper a perfectly excellent joke, I let the lady walk off the bus with the offending sticker still attached.

But if the sticker stays stuck, this unfortunate lady could spend many cold and loveless months suffering a crisis of confidence about her lack of approaches from the opposite sex. She could suffer years of celibacy just because I couldn't muster the enthusiasm to get out of my seat and explain what was afoot. OK, I'll stop there......

Snowstorm heads for the alps

un UFO landing on the Mont Blanc....
Originally uploaded by trendy1

Anyone involved with the Ski Industry or those planning an early ski holiday will rejoice in the news that a serious storm is due to hit the Alps this coming Friday, with temperatures plunging and gale-force northerly winds set to whirl the white stuff around and dump it in uneven lumps onto the pistes.

A decent start to the season will certainly offer some comfort to those who fear the weak pound and recession could mean significant holiday cutbacks for those precious British holidaymakers. But others are reassured that most skiers would rather poke sharp objects into painful areas of their anatomy than miss out on their 'ski fix' - so they'll be here, credit crunch or no credit crunch.

And there's no need to watch the forecast on TV round here if you want to know what's round the corner - the Mont Blanc tells you all you need to know - courtesy of the X-files-esque cloud that forms on its peak. The locals say 'Quand le Mont-Blanc à son chapeau, c'est signe de mauvais temps' - for the not-so-cunning linguists, when the MB's got it's hat on, bad weather is on the way.

Well, that's the John Kettley routine out of the way - who? I hear you cry. John Kettley was the world's finest weatherman, and so was Michael Fish.......you'll see what I'm barking on about courtesy of You Tube.......

Gendarme flashes Panis at 212 km/hr

The Autoroute Blanche A40/E25 between Geneva and Chamonix - Mont Blanc
Originally uploaded by Arve Johnsen

Formula French Formula 1 driver, Olivier Panis, has been caught driving his Ferrari through my neighbourhood at 212 km/hr (exceeding just slightly the legal limit of 130 km/hr), later explaining to the not-very-star-struck travel cops that he had simply 'got lost' on the Autoroute Blanche.

But Mr Panis, 42, who had his career curtailed by a terrible accident in 1997, has evidently not managed to get all of that fast track adrenaline out of his system. As a regular to the slow lane on this quiet section of motorway, I can confidently say that Mr Panis is not alone.

The police, however, take a dim view of this kind of caper, and his permit was withdrawn on the spot. Stranded in Haute Savoie with no driving licence, he was forced to phone his family and beg for a lift back to his home in nearby Grenoble.

EU drive to add cheer to credit-crunched shoppers

Phallic Parsnip3311
Originally uploaded by fireflies604

French supermarkets will soon be able to sell mishapen fruit and vegetables again (following a two decade ban), but on closer examination, there's more to this decision than meets the eye.

Officially, the EU are attempting to reduce prices and cut bureaucracy, but off the record, some Eurocrats will probably tell you that their new law permitting the sale of oddly-shaped fruit and vedge is designed to bring a smile back to the faces of those hit by financial woes.

Let's face it, discovering a parsnip that's exactly the same shape as a thingy is a humourous moment that cuts through all walks of life, and can't fail to help us through the forthcoming months of hardship. If all you have to eat is thingy-shaped parsnips, at least you can eat with a smile on your face.

To underline the point, not every fruit is covered by the bend in the law, and oddly-shaped tomatoes are still a no-no. The powers-that-be in Brussels have evidently decided that tomatoes, no matter how disfigured, would never end up phallic-shaped - so what's the point of trying to sell ugly tomatoes? You can kind of see their point.

But items like the one pictured could have punters fighting in the aisles.........no price is too high.

A great opportunity for some classic Blackadder!

What was that? A behm? Non, watch out for zee exploding couscous!

08
Originally uploaded by el frijole

As if we didn't have enough to worry about, what with global recessions and environmental disasters afoot, the French consumers are being forced to dodge a series of risks to their health in suspect products - the latest of which is..............exploding couscous.

The Garbit company from Northern France have recalled 80,000 packets of 'Couscous Royal', which contain a cocktail of chemicals that could give a few pounds of Semtex a run for its money. So unless you're planning to bump off your neighbours, best check the kitchen cupboards asap.

The unlucky punter who got more than he bargained for thought that he was the victim of North African anti-French sentiment - the slogan of this product being 'it's good like it is over there'('C'est bon comme là bas') . Luckily, he escaped unscathed and reported the incident to the manufacturer.

This incident comes only a matter of weeks after Comforama recalled sofas and armchairs which had made several hundred more Frenchmen than usual scratch their arses - the cause? An allergic reaction to chemicals in the cushions.

To soothe worried expats, check out the web link below which lists all the products currently being recalled - courtesy of the excellent quechoisir.org. Or just click on the headline.

http://www.quechoisir.org/produits-au-rappel/liste/Consulter-la-liste-complete-des-produits-au-rappel.htm

Credit crunch refugees set to cross Swiss border

Steve McQueen - La Grande Fuga
Originally uploaded by TheLaKe

At least these days, getting into Switzerland is a lot less problematic than it was way back then. And crossing the border is about to become a cunning way out of France's forthcoming economic woes. Thousands of hard-up Frenchies are already packing up their troubles in their old kit bags and heading towards the safe haven helvétique.

Despite a few high-profile banks having to grovel to the Swiss Central bank, the economy is strong, salaries make a mockery of Gallic pay-packets, jobs are relatively easy to come by and the Swiss Franc has today reached its highest level against the Euro since March 2003.

The average salary of CHF 5000 (roughly 3300 euros) is sniffed at by most, especially those who enjoy thirteen months pay in a year. And the recent bi-lateral agreements allow anyone in Europe to work in Switzerland - you can literally commute from Grimsby (UK) to Geneva if you've had enough of working down your local fish market.

All these facts have not escaped the attention of the 200,000 or so frontaliers who cross the Swiss border every day to benefit from this pocket of prosperity in a world of doom and gloom. The Swiss authorities believe that a shock increase in applications to work could be one of the effects of the global downturn, as unemployment bites throughout France and an increasing mobile workforce descend on the frontier zone.

A suivre......

What a boar!

Pesée du Sanglier... 109kg !
Originally uploaded by Céline Aussourd

Proud though these chasseurs look, they are showing off a mere lightweight compared to the Rasputin of wild boar's who almost felled a gun-wielding hunter near Bellegarde yesterday afternoon.

The pictured beast weighs in at 109 kilos but the Bellegarde-bruiser was a formidable heavyweight at 140 kilos, and he was not about to run for it when confronted by the boys of the 'Union des chasseurs de la Michaille'. Perhaps unwisely, he decided to charge the dog in the group, not banking on its 57 year old shotgun-toting owner leaping in between like Clint Eastwood in 'In the Line of Fire'.

If you've ever been to Bellegarde, then you will perfectly well understand the desire to throw yourself in front of a charging, quite unhappy wild boar, or indeed, a fast-moving locomotive. It makes Calais look more like Cannes.

Somehow the dog owner managed to fire off a few rounds in the wild boar's direction, fatally wounding the animal but not stopping it from taking a chunk out of the his leg. 'A mere flesh wound', he said, before being helicoptered to Annecy hospital.

But these hardy chasseurs are not confined to heavily wooded areas - the local papers report today that the locals in nearby Cluses have been taking pot-shots at passers by with air guns......

Nowt strange as folk

Swiss Music
Originally uploaded by Michael Rys

For anyone who hasn't been to Yorkshire, England, saying 'nowt strange as folk' indicates to the listener that there are some pretty funny folk out there. None more so, perhaps, than in my adopted place of work - Switzerland.

At the heart of Europe lies a small country of 8 million people with one of the world's most stable, wealthy, and organised set ups on the planet. Not to mention gorgeous scenery and the best horn players in town (pictured).

But it is also a country of contradictions - no surprise when you consider the non-fighting army. Undoubtedly rule-conscious, the Swiss are not tolerant of rule breakers. Despite their peace-loving reputation, on the occasions that I've crossed the road when the little red man was showing (probably risking deportation), drivers have actually speeded up in an attempt to run me over and teach me a lesson.

You would think that with banking as one of its main sources of pride and jobs, the current crisis would be causing a few ripples through all this calm and prosperity. And I suppose it has, with UBS being one of the biggest losers, but the evident richesse on the streets of Geneva is so enduring that it has a feeling of 'can't touch this' about it.

My watchmaking clients have never had it so good, selling watches so expensive that the box they come in will set you back 20,000 euros. Not the sort of present you would want to leave on the bus......

Anyway, bref, as the French would say, what is the point of all this? Well, just to point out that with the financial hurricance ripping through the heart of the financial world, the Swiss have been busy legislating on smoking (reversing the decision to ban it in public places before it gets too cold outside), and, er, guinea pigs. I joke not. A law has just been introduced banning the Swiss from buying just one guinea pig, as it might get lonely, and insisting on a two-some. Need I say more?

In a typically contradictory way, cats are still being kidnapped from Haute Savoie for their skins and if our feline friends escape this fate, they are said to be a very popular Swiss delicacy. Gastronomes beware!

Female passengers more deadly than the male

Chamonix Train
Originally uploaded by evie22

As someone who spends 32 days a year on the trains of Haute Savoie, it has to be said that normally the trip into Geneva and back passes without incident. Admittedly, you are often spared the excitement of fist-fights, drunks, and armpits in you face that I used to experience on London's Northern Line, but you get a seat and fellow travellers are usually a fairly amicable bunch. Some have formed commuting cliques, and regard travelling to work as a somewhat hilarious activity, while I, true my British Northern Line roots, sit miserably behind a newspaper and growl at everyone who looks my way in case they turn out to be mentally unstable.

So imagine my shock when a bit of a ruck, brawl, call it what you like broke out on my way home as the train stopped in Reignier, near Annemasse. Essentially, a youngish fellow who seemed to be carrying only metal bars as luggage, had refused to buy a ticket from the conductor, who had taken offence to this attitude and called the Police, thereby delaying the train and causing a growing tide of displeasure among my fellow passengers.

Argue though they did, the non-ticket carrying gent seemed as stubborn as a mule, before he was suddenly accosted by a gaggle of young women who looked ten times more terrifying than the conductor and seemed to be winning the dispute hands down before the arrival of the boys in blue. Hell hath no fury and all that. The transformation from shy, slightly awkward adolescent into something that would have looked at home in one of the 'Predator' movies was shocking to say the least. As luck had it, just when the screaming and screeching of abuse was beginning to make me side with the ticketless miscreant, les gendarmes hoved into view.

I was happy to see that they approached the situation in a typical French policeman fashion, walking alongside the train in a slow, patronising but slightly wary fashion, as if they wanted to exude confidence but feared receiving a metal bar on the napper. The arrival of the old bill nailed the coffin in the young scamp's argument and he swiftly disembarked, metal bars and all, and he was subjected to an interrogation by the two policiers who looked like they were giving him a severe dressing down for having so rudely interrupted their afternoon cat nap.

As the train remained at a standstill, conversation spontaeneously erupted along the lines of thwarted connections, and loved ones waiting needlessly at the next stop, and what a ba**ard the guy standing on the tarmac was / is. But these train conversations are hopelessly selfish - if you say 'my beloved cat died this morning', they would no doubt reply 'Really? My neighbours got a nice cat'.

Carrefour outed as rip off merchants par excellence

Carrefour
Originally uploaded by KahaDidi

Customers of the huge supermarket chain Carrefour had better start reading the small print of any in-store special offers, as this shot from Carrefour Warsaw demonstrates. No prizes for guessing that the corporate giant has been slapped on the wrists again and forced to cough up a poultry sum (45, 000 euros) following a court ruling that upheld a complaint by a disgruntled punter.

This time its that old chestnut of the price at the till not matching the price on the shelf, which is officially known as 'publicité mensongère', a blunder which was investigated by the Fraud bureau, or 'Direction générale de la consommation, de la concurrence et de la répression des fraudes' (DGCCRF). And what do you know, the source of their discontent was in the promotional items, where the 'Buy one get the second one free' incentive was in reality 'Buy two for exactly the same price as usual'.

Although 45, 000 euros is akin to a slap on the wrist from your grandmother, the bad publicity does tend to make people think twice. Especially if you Google 'Carrefour' and 'amende', you will find that the chain is in and out of the courts so often they are probably on first name terms with the entire French judicial system.

To name but a few......a record fine of 2 million euros in 2007 for 'publicité mensongère', dodgy promotions, shifty contracts with suppliers, not to mention another hefty fine for price fixing on kids toys and school calculators.

Maybe you have also noticed discrepancies between prices, but I must admit to having a particular gripe against Carrefour, following a misguided purchase of a cheap mountain bike back in 2005. To cut to the chase, the bike was obviously faulty as the chain repeatedly fell off, causing me to swerve dangerously across the road on a number of occasions. The chain-smoking assistant at the ironically named 'service après-vente' insisted on sending it away to be 'repaired' and scoffed at my Anglo-Saxon idea of a 'refund'. 'Un quoi?'

It wasn't until death was narrowly avoided and I threw the bike at her and demanded my money back in no uncertain terms (my ability to speak French under duress being severely diminished incidentally) that a small sober man in a suit appeared from nowhere brandishing a cheque. Not a hint of 'I'm terribly sorry to hear of you nearly being crushed under the wheels of a 10 ton truck because of our bad attitude and patent lack of customer service skills, sir'.

On a one man mission to drive the corporate superpower into liquidation, I refused to enter the building for a while and devoted all my energy and cash into a new, cheaper shop called 'Ed's' (although strangely they don't call it Ed's, it's 'uh-day'), only to later discover that this shop is............... owned by Carrefour.

Big business in France is no doubt a clique of portly Sarkozists, but, as my old grandad used to say, 'Don't let the bastards rip you off!'

What's up with the French?

French protest 8
Originally uploaded by La Rock

You have to take your hat off to Mr Sarkozy. He must have heard the knives sharpening across the channel, as Gordon Brown fights for his political career like the tired fly buzzing sporadically, and hopelessly in the spider's web.

Sarko, the king of Sarkozia (the country formerly known as France) is not about to suffer the same fate. Au contraire. He is, in fact, riding high on much improved poll ratings which come at a time when you would most expect the French to be ready to shout 'off with his head'. It's almost enough to make Maximilien Robespierre turn in his grave.

Somehow, and with a dash of extreme cunning worthy of at least a tail or two, he has managed to buck the politician-hating trend that always accompanies a recession.

This sudden surge of popularity occurs at a time when 59% of French people are saying that, having thought about it, they'd rather not work more to earn more (Sarko's famous 2007 election rout), property prices are on an inevitable decline, unemployment is once again on the up, the economy is flirting with recession while the price of everything is driving the pouvoir d'achat even lower.

Sensing the inevitable discontent, King S. takes a break from his summer holiday (the first Frenchman to do this in history) to sort out a war in the old Soviet block - no mean feat, undoubtedly. But in doing so, he cleverly side-steps responsibility for domestic affairs by pretending to be a normal French president (ie. mostly looking after international affairs). And anyway, the 'global' market always gives him a swift exit from any blame, as everyone's in the same boat.

But with even greater spin, he manages to avoid the unavoidable question that should follow any attempt to pass off France's problems as being 'world' problems. And that question is 'Should the careless greed of the already rich be allowed to endanger the quality of life of their own fellow citizens?'

And the answer? Well, so long as the already rich are sitting around King Sarko's round table, they've got nothing to fear.......

Has the spirit of '68 gone forever?

White Lady turns Grim Reaper

Lighthearted though this blog aims to be, you can't live in the shadow of the Mont Blanc and not pass comment on what has been one of the deadliest summers in recent years on the 'la dame blanche'.

The devastating avalanche which swept 8 eight sleeping climbers to their deaths last week was shocking enough to make the front pages across Europe and beyond, a sad piece of news made worse by the fact that retrieving the bodies is a hazardous, and for the moment impossible, task.

This particular group were hit in an area near the summit, having taken the 'Tacul' route to the top (accessible by cable car), rather than the more popular 'Goûter' track, which starts in St Gervais. It has to be said that neither is an 'easy' option, and the summer death toll is testament to the risks involved. But to get things in perspective, up to 200 climbers per day attempt to reach the summit from the high level "refuges" (mountain shacks to the uninitiated) on the 'Goûter side alone. So that's not counting the riskier and more challenging set-off points.

The notoriously unstable snow and ice in the Tacul area are no strangers to the local and national press. In 1987, a group of 60 climbers were delayed in the cable car on the way up, and as a result missed a huge avalanche in the area. If they'd left on time, they would have found themselves directly in its path.

Add to that local stories about 160 people who are stuck on the Mont Blanc in frozen graves, gradually relinquished as the glaciers melt, and you've added even more fuel to my desire to never join the brave who set their sights higher than most - and risk paying the ultimate price.

Boozy Brit arrests on the increase

Super Bock
Originally uploaded by Captain Mayhem

Moan though they do about the increase in property prices (supposedly) due to wealthy British investors, the French have always largely escaped the drunkenness among my compatriots that plagues other European destinations.

But according to a report just published by the UK Foreign Office on British Behaviour Abroad (the second of its kind), there was a 50% increase in arrests of UK citizens in France last year compared to 2006.

But let's not shake our arms about in a Gallic fashion and expel all the rosbifs on the next available ferry. After all, the figures for arrests, hospitalisations and general stupidity (like losing your passport) are impressively lower that those noted over the border in Spain, where over two thousand of Her Majesty's subjects were nicked for an array of usually alcohol-related misdemeanours (compared to just 153 in France) in 2007. Not bad when you consider that 14 million people travelled over the channel during this period, not counting the 200,000 'permanent' residents.

It seems that our dear friend the 'lager lout' is conspicuous by his absence in la héxagone, due possibly to higher prices in bars and the café rather than pub culture. That's not saying that the French are a nation of tea-totallers, frowning upon anyone who drinks more than they can handle - far from it. France's problem is that people get drunk at a friends house, and then think nothing of driving home, quite possible wrapping themselves around a lampost in the process.

In today's Dauphiné Libéré, the journalist reporting the story about British high-jinks kindly suggests that this over-indulgence might be a natural reaction to a sober and serious life back in the UK. Alas not - this theory is quickly dispelled by a visit to Newcastle on a Saturday night. Or indeed any night.

Warning: Man-eating reptile on the loose

tegu gonna get you
Originally uploaded by NataPics

Police at Saint-Baudille-la-Tour (38-Isère) have told locals to be on the lookout for a flesh-eating reptile, usually more at home in South America, photographed this week by a passing motorist who got more than he bargained for during a brief pit-stop in the area.

Contrary to how he appears in this photograph, the Tegu is not your ideal companion for a swift apéritif after a hard day's work. The metre-long cross between a snake, a crocodile and a lizard could give you a nasty bite, hence the vigilance demanded by the gendarmes.

It appears that the animal did not arrive via airports using a cunning disguise and a false passport - more likely it's former owners were keeping it in illegally unsafe conditions, and realised it into the wild to avoid the long arm of the law.

Motorcyclist speeds into trouble and strife

French Motorway
Originally uploaded by mr_bruteforce

A man from the Corrèze region of France is in for a serious dressing-down from his other half after......forgetting her at a motorway service station near Strasbourg and buzzing along quite happily for 120 km before realising his little oubli.

Not unsurpringly, the fellow was then distraught and contacted the police, informing them that she must have fallen off en route. Having retraced his journey and found nothing untoward, like a leather-clad woman on the tarmac, they finally came across the would-be passenger - standing calmly outside the petrol station, holding her helmet.

Bird killer strikes in Haute Savoie

Elvis and Priscilla..............how they looked before our holiday

This post comes under a new heading - Expat Tales. A departure from the news stuff, but a more personal view of life in France, maintaining the unusual and slightly quirky angle. Here goes......

Having a solid five years as an Expat under my belt, I can safely say that upping sticks and parking oneself this side of the Channel comes highly recommended. One of the noted drawbacks, as we approach the holiday season, is that thorny question of what to do with our dear pets while we slope off to the coast for a spot of well-needed R&R. I say thorny because this issue has aroused considerable emotion in the household of The Intrepid Rosbif, for reasons outlined below.

With the benefit of hindsight, entrusting two small budgies to the care of a man who spends his entire life enjoying an apéro (apparently never progressing to any subsequent course), his chain-smoking wife who shaves her eyebrows to relieve persistent depression, and their 2 ton daughter, who, (aged 12) has successfully developed the personality of ‘Uncle’ Jo Stalin, was unwise. From there on in, regrettably, the fate of young Elvis and Priscilla was sealed.

Shortly before our departure, Elvis and Priscilla were in the throws of what can only be described as a blossoming love affair. You would think that faced with a lifetime perched on a stick in a three foot cage, that romance would be inevitable. Incarceration creates the most unlikely couplets, so I am led to believe. However, for a good while beforehand, the bright yellow-breasted Priscilla sat impassive at one end of the stick, appearing to find the blue-breasted Elvis’ noisy flapping antics a real and monotonous irritation. And certainly Priscilla and myself were in perfect accord on that matter, before old Cupid drew back her bow.

With a carefully prepared list of instructions for lovebirds on the kitchen table, (they were quite possibly off their food anyway), we closed the door behind us, imagining that our feathered friends would enjoy a little privacy while we sojourned briefly in Blighty.

So you can imagine our horror as we returned and found that E & P had mutated into fat, grey, man-eating pigeons. A frantic knock at the neighbours door followed, accompanied by a lot of furrying of brows and anxious, questioning looks. Through a haze of Pastis, Monsieur explained that he had accidentally left both the cage door and the window open, allowing E & P to fly off into the sunset together, never to return. Feeling guilty about this turn of events, he hurried to the local bird shop to procure similar-looking animals, to alleviate our inevitable distress. How he thought that these two monstrosities resembled in any way our slick beautiful birds can only be explained by the makers of strong alcoholic beverages. To give you a better idea, the picture below shows what Elvis looked like after our trip:

With the absence of CCTV, the truth of what happenned may never be known. Suffice to say that God may have asked us to love our neighbours, but He never said we should trust their animal-loving instincts.

The Intrepid Rosbif launches on You Tube!

Just click on the title to go direct to it, until I figure out how to take you there by clicking on the You Tube logo. It's probably extremely easy to do, and I promise to try.....

Anyway, from small acorns, this You Tube channel will hopefully soon contain a worthwhile collection of gems from this side of the water.

Amourous coach fails to charm the French

"Don't worry about it, I'm in love!" was the essential underlying theme to Raymond Domenech's post-humiliation apologies to the French public after France's 2-0 defeat at the hands (feet?) of the Italians on Tuesday night.

The embattled coach, already driving the Swiss mad with his paranoid antics back at team HQ, was interviewed minutes after his team's untimely exit from the competition, and immediately began pouring bucket loads of salt into open wounds.

Appearing relaxed and grinning casually, he congratulated this promising young team (!) and then appeared to mumble a wedding proposal to his girlfriend Estelle Denis, a young TV presenter with, until then perhaps, her whole life ahead of her. What Miss Denis finds so appealing about Mr Domenech is open to speculation - perhaps his sense of humour? It was a moment that David Brent would have been proud of.

Romantics as they are, perhaps the French will forgive Mr Domenech's ill-timed outpouring of devotion. But it occured to me that if Steve Maclaren had taken the stand on the BBC as England failed to qualify, and announced 'Look, I know it's all gone a bit pear-shaped, but then at least I've pulled', then he would have been on the next flight to Azerbaijan.

Weather sends a shiver through alpine economy

With memories of a bumper winter fading, empty terraces, torrential downpours and March-like temperatures are busy keeping the tourists away, according to today's Dauphiné Libéré.

The paper carries an interview with the somewhat inappopriately names Mr l'Heureux (President of a syndicat for hotel owners and the like), who bemoans the beginning of the summer of discontent.

"The worst start in 26 years," he gripes.

Add to the weather the weak Swiss Franc (which encourages the Swiss to stay at home), the weak pound against the Euro and the storm clouds of recession dissuading the usually travel-mad Brits, never mind the French and their unresolved problems with the pouvoir d'achat, it's not shaping up to be the best ever.

Harbingers of doom may take some cheer from an improved forecast for the end of this week and even if the bad weather continues, the silver-lining is the air quality, which owes it's unusually good readings to the unseasonal conditions.

Fantastic Flat for Sale in St Gervais

Although The Intrepid Rosbif is primarily a news site, I just had to bring your attention to this rare and special property which has come on the market in St Gervais - for the uninitiated, a village with its alpine charm intact, an unbeatable view of the Mont Blanc and, of course, great skiing.

Luxury terraced flat - 99 m² SAINT GERVAIS LES BAINS 395 000 €

This flat is located just a stone's throw from the centre of town, and is a spacious 3 bedroomed flat covering 99 m² (not far off the size of your average chalet!), which boasts a bright and huge dining room / lounge area with chimney and a terrace which runs the length of the building, two bathrooms, separate kitchen, and a view of the Aravis mountains. The building itself is of very high quality and has been recently renovated. The flat also has access to a cellar, garage et private parking.

It would be ideal for either a special holiday home, or a full-time home. In fact, if I had the money, I'd buy it myself.

Interested parties can email me at theintrepidrosbif@gmail.com to arrange a viewing or to ask for more details.

Lucky Spaniard cheats death on the Vallée Blanche

Skiers on the Vallee Blanche
Uploaded by Chamonix Experience

At 11.30am last Thursday morning, a 38 year-old Spaniard, Fernando Gaspar Estevez Carvadjal , was knee-deep in powder on the Vallée Blanche when he skied straight into a crevasse at 3,500m, near the Italian border. From then on, his fate was somewhere between the hands of Mother Nature and Lady Luck. The latter got an early head start as the skier re-emerged onto the world-famous off-piste run after an exhausting three hour climb, but by then the rest of the skiing fraternity were nowhere to be seen and a two-day snowstorm had settled on the Mont Blanc.

Enterprising Fernando was not about to let this turn of events get the better of him, and dug a snow-cave which was home for the following 48 hours. Staying calm, awake and moving his extremities continually, he was able to avoid the ill-effects of the cold. He was eventually spotted by a group of Italian skiers when the weather cleared. Speaking to the local press from his hospital bed in Chamonix, suffering from only mild exposure, he is keen to point out that separating yourself from a group is not a particularly cunning plan, especially in such an unforgiving environment. That said, the mountains have been uncharacteristically forgiving this weekend - a snowboarder in a similar pickle to our Fernando has survived 24 hours outside in the snowstorm blowing over Les Deux Alpes, in Isère.

Rosbif's remortgage plans gets stuck on red tape

Interesting that the word mortgage has the word "mort" in it, which in French means "death"...
Originally uploaded by Vimrod1

There's no doubt that France, with its gastronomie, wines, and scenery is more than a half decent place to park yourself for a few years. It's especially important to bear in mind the positives whenever you have to deal with bureaucracy of any kind. Having quite literally pulled all my hair out (well, it just sort of fell out really) dealing with this grim side of expat life, it was with a due sense of dread and foreboding that the Rosbif family descended on our friendly neighbourhood mortgage consultant this morning.

Having listened intently to our questions, nodding efficiently and encouragingly, he had a simple set of answers, beginning with one word - 'Non'.

'Is it possible to remortgage on our house as it's now worth more than we paid for it? You know, like 70 million Brits have done?'
'Eh ben, Non.'

At this point he attempted to translate 'remortgage' into French, something like 'rehypotecher' came out, but you could see his evident displeasure at inventing such a non-existant and patently non-desirable addition to the French lexique. He looked, if you'll pardon the vulgarity of the expression, like he was licking piss off a thistle.

'If we lost our jobs, can we postpone payments?'
'Non'

'Can we give you your money back quicker if some good fortune lands in our laps?
'Mais oui!'

This type of conversation is as embedded in the French culture as a coffee after your midday meal. The answer's always 'no', even if you do ask. Far be it for me to gripe publicly about the French way of doing things, perhaps their cautiousness in the lending department may save them from some of the woes spreading through the more liberal marketplaces.

And anyway, I can't help remembering a garage man in rural Northern France, who took in two grubby chain-smoking students from England (your truly the one half of the duo), with not a franc to rub together, fixed their clapped out Opel Kadet, and gave them some money for the ride home. All with a smile and a affable 'adieu!' as they chugged off the forecourt.

One in 60 million?

Swiss bar owners fear profits will go up in smoke

Long gone are the days when the French cafés conceded to the first wave of anti-smoking legislation by placing a solitary and unused table as close as possible to the toilets with a non-fumeur sign on it - it may as well have said social outcasts only. And it was with a reluctant shrug of those revolutionary shoulders that they added the warning to cigarette packets, choosing the most innocuous dissuasion - something like 'try not to smoke if you can possibly help it.'

But that was Grenoble, 1991, when The Intrepid Rosbif was strutting around the streets and bars, with a Marlboro forever hanging off his lower lip. These days, with these French bars and restaurants getting used to the ban on smoking, the Swiss are lagging behind France and the UK with an outright ban in all public places, although that hasn't stopped some café owners taking the law into their own hands.

Directly underneath my place of employment in Geneva is a bar that until recently was packed with local types, the air thick with smoke and effervescent chit-chat. The Portuguese owner, a non-smoker, decided to take a stand and up went a hand-drawn 'no smoking' sign in the bar window just after Christmas. So, did this valiant act of defiance encourage the regular punters to bin the fags (cigarettes in UK English, not to be confused with homosexuals in US English) and enjoy each other's company without having to cough and smell for the rest of the day?

Alas, not exactly. In fact, apart from the lonely figure of a stout barmaid, wiping the same tables for the 84th time that day, there wasn't much happening. Unsurprisingly, a few days later, the revolution was over, the sign in the bin, the bar full of people, and the air again a billowing mass of smoke.

So, as les Genevois vote on the issue this weekend, there will those feeling that smokers should be actively discouraged (as per the picture above from the UN in Geneva) but not turfed out into the street for good. According to swissinfo.ch, the WHO (World Health Organisation) would like to see the Swiss charge more for cigarettes, as currently a pack of twenty will only set you back approximately $5 or GBP 2.50.

Mr. Rude dents Anglo-French relations

mr_rude
Originally uploaded by xvl75

Coming to UK TV screens in February is the new Mr Man - who is turning the air blue not only within the pages of the popular children's book, but also in high-ranking diplomatic circles. The reason? Gallic officials are reportedly put out by the character's distinctly french accent and serious flatulence issues.

Channel 5, who will be airing the programme, deny any blatent attempt to label the French people as either rude or flatulent, saying that it is just tongue-in-cheek. Decide for yourself by visiting the show's site at www.mrmen.com.

Slackers rejoice as pollution peaks

It's official - exercise is bad for you. The news alpine couch potatoes have been waiting for has finally arrived - according to local pollution specialists, to remain in optimum health you should avoid any kind of strenous outdoor activity.

Still, there is a down side to all those pizza's and DVD's. A quick glance at the site atmo-rhonealpes.org will be enough to spoil the fun and have you reaching for your nearest oxygen mask.

To cut to the chase, the high pressure sat on Europe, bringing with it still, stagnant air and all those cars and coaches chugging towards the slopes have induced a quality of air which would choke a city-dweller. And all this in the supposedly healthy environment of the alps. High altitude residents needn't fret, however, as these nefarious fumes are naturally at their worst in the valleys or built-up areas.

With the clear weather set to continue well into next week, the only sound counsel is to head for the hills!

Mont Blanc - the largest ...... toilet in Europe

Mont Blanc des de Brevent
Originally uploaded by lluisr

It might not look over-crowded, but according to Geneva's daily free paper 'Le Matin Bleu', it most certainly is - to the detriment of this unique natural spectacle.

The paper cites the spectacularly hot summer of 2003 as the catalyst for the mountain's current woes, as sweltering masses headed for the hills. Ever since, it seems, with a reputation as being a relatively 'easy climb', Mont Blanc has been swamped by an ever-growing number of climbers who hail from all four corners of the globe. 30,000 attempt the ascent each summer, with the number set to rise as climbers from growing economies such as Russia, India and China are tempted by the allure of reaching the peak.

Sadly, not all seem to treat the habitat with the respect it deserves, which has led the Major of St Gervais to describe the routes to the top as 'more of an open toilet than a glacier'. It seems that those in doubt as to the way to the summit need only follow the orange snow.

The over-crowded 'refuges' have led to impromptu camping (which isn't allowed) and although the installation of 'dry toilets' at base camp is a good gesture, it seems that climbers need to take responsibility to be eco-friendly with regards to their litter, but as for the toilet issue - if a man's gotta go, a man's gotta go.

Entrepreneurs might like to invent an alpine-friendly cork for the rear-end, or perhaps even cross-legged climbing pants..?

Ski your way out of the recession

Having discovered that there's nothing like a trip to England to empty the old bank account, The Intrepid Rosbif landed back in Haute Savoie keen to ski but utterly bereft of euros. As you probably appreciate, unless you're into long sweaty walks and very short descents, this is not a good combination. So the search was immediately on for the cheapest place to ski - et voilà, the little known resort of Montpiton, nestled in the hills at 1000 or so metres not far from the Glières area, famed for allied and resistance collaboration during WW2.

I say resort, but that's pushing it a tad. But hat's off to the volunteers who look after the lift and the two runs which (snow permitting) provide all the ingredients for a recession-bashing day on the white stuff. So how cheap is cheap? Well, you can't really argue with....wait for it......3 euros a day for kids and 5 for adults.

However, the whole thing reminds me a little of an old joke my Uncle Arthur used to tell about Derby County (my team and yes even through loyalty-testing times like these). The joke was "I phoned Derby County ground and said 'Is the match on today?' and they said 'Yes' so I said 'What time's kick off?' and they replied 'What time can you get here?'

With thanks to 'Le Dauphiné Libéré' for the tip.